Gut Reactions

Last week when my friends and I were in our rented sept-place en route to Lac Rose we had a bit of a miscommunication with our driver. Since he knew where most of the campements were clustered, he took us to the main tourist-y side of the lake. Upon arrival, we saw no signs for our campements, so we called the campement owner (something we should have just done in the first place). After realizing we were, in fact, on the opposite side of the lake from the campement, we attempted to explain this to the driver who immediately refused to take us there. He wanted double the price we were originally going to pay him (mind you, to drive about 10-15 extra minutes). He pointed to a group of cars that other hotels use and said we could just rent them, but we quickly found out these would cost over twice what we had already paid.

I completely lost it and started yelling at the driver from the back seat. It boggles my mind that a driver who we were paying a very decent amount of money to (in a car that we had completely rented out) would not agree to actually take us to our final destination without an argument. Yes, we had not known where the hotel was located and yes, we should have called ahead. But, is driving around to the other side of the lake really the end of the world? Was that driver doing anything else even remotely important in those next 15 minutes? I would put money on no. I was so angry that Emily had to calmly tell me to shut my mouth and that I was only making matters worse (which I totally was). We eventually gave him an additional 50% of what we were paying and I just swore at the driver in English and pouted in the back seat like a 6 year old.

This situation was not a big deal. The reason I bring it up is because of how ridiculously angry I get at situations that are not big deals. When did I become this angry person? When did I lose any and all sense of patience in dealing with people like this? I was never a bitter or confrontational person in the States. Ask any of my friends. If anything I would flee at the very thought or sight of a conflict and was terrified to really speak my mind, even to people that I was close to and even when something really bothered me. Passive aggressiveness at it's best. (I'm not saying this was healthy either) But here in Senegal, I find this strange, previously unknown anger bubbling up inside of me whenever people are acting completely irrational or rude. I've yelled extremely loud and obnoxiously at people on public transportation, I've slapped people who are trying to grab me or bully me, even on the streets of Pout. And don't even get me started about the Thies garage. I'm surprised that I don't have a life time ban from that place.

It just makes me wonder, and frankly, worry about the ways in which I've grown accustomed to dealing with people here. I can rationally understand where my anger comes from; it comes from my frustration in dealing with people on a daily basis who have a complete lack of basic logic or work ethic, it comes from being manipulated by Senegalese people who are only out for an extra dollar or two, it comes from people assuming I am a complete idiot because I am not from here and I am am a woman, and it especially comes from constantly being the target of stares, points, and random racial slurs that are flung at me whenever I leave my house - whether these things are done in a malicious way or not.

I think a lot of volunteers can mentally digest all of these things in ways which allow the volunteer to be "ok" with what is happening. Whether they are embracing these things as cultural differences, have retained a much level of tolerance than I have, or simply don't deal with these things because they are removed from them, I'm not sure. But, for me, it is much more difficult. I think this is partially because I view people who treat me like this as roadblocks for why I'm really here. I'm supposed to be sharing my American culture with Senegal, learning about Senegalese culture with an open mind, and working towards local, sustainable development. I spend a lot of energy on avoiding certain situations and interactions, when in reality, if those situations and interactions didn't exist, I would probably be a more successful and efficient volunteer. That's my opinion at least.

In trying to avoid taking my anger out on others, I find myself withdrawing a lot more than I used to - not to purposefully be antisocial, but to get a break from the stimuli that cause me so much mental stress. I spend a lot of time with my nuclear family and try to focus all of my energy on the projects I'm working on. It saves me the hassle of wandering around aimlessly only to end up explaining for the umpteenth time that no, I can't give you any money and no, I don't want you as a husband. For people who pose those questions are indeed lurking everywhere. When I do go out, I choose who I interact with wisely as I know that people who want to work value their time just as much as I do. I choose to avoid people that are overtly rude, creepy, or lazy which I guess I would do in the States as well, but here it's a very conscious decision. I guess at the end of the day, if building up mental walls is what has made me emotionally strong enough to still be here, than I'm okay with the way I deal with people.

Now that I'm reading back on this, it sounds really mopey and depressing. I hope whoever is reading this doesn't think that I've lost all faith in the reason I am here because of some of the issues I have. I haven't. I love my Senegalese family and friends dearly, I appreciate and respect my work partners, and I look forward to getting things accomplished in the next 6 months. I also hope that the anger and frustration I feel towards other aspects of Senegalese society (or, to put it more correctly, the way I am treated in Senegalese society) will not follow me home to America. The last thing I would want is to return home to the Motherland for good with a huge helping of emotional baggage.